Garfield of the Galaxy: Infinity Wars
by ShakespeareHemmingway
Summary: Who will win the infinity wars! New series!


Garfield of the Galaxy: Infinity Wars

Chapter 1

Chris Pratt was flying though stretches of space with his Guardians of the Galaxy. They were escaping from the Sovereign peoples after causing mischief. They had Nebula for capture through circumstance. Nebula was chained to wall with chains and stewing in brew of hate.

"Yippy kay yay! Wild and free! Wham bang shangalang!" Chris Pratt squealed with delight as he soared through cosmos.

"Slow down human man, you are reckless fool!" Said Nebula with hateful evil.

"Chill out!" Chris Pratt squealed with irritation.

"Nebula you are my sister, but you are rotten with defilement." Said Gamora with sisterly shame.

"Silence you! I will kill Thanos! You are green weakling traitor!" Said Nebula with bitterly bite.

"Oh you women!" Quipped Rocket Racoon with jolly laughter.

"Chris Pratt please slow down. You are being a hardy fool." Drax said with concern.

"Call me Star Lord!" Squealed Chris Pratt with defiance.

Then with suddenness a ship appeared, and out of ship appeared figure. It was old, but magical.

"Greetings Guardians of the Galaxy, it is I Ego." Said the figure with enigma.

"Ego?! Like egg!" Squealed Chris Pratt with quip.

"No Chris Pratt. I have been looking galaxy over for you. And now I have found the answer to my meaning." Said the mysterious old one with feeble elderly wisdom.

"Old man! You will call me STAR LORD!" Squealed Chris Pratt like spoiled brat.

"Calm yourself. I have great secret to tell. I am your father!" Said figure with revelation.

"Daddy!" Squealed Chris Pratt with bliss.

Meanwhile while conversing was happening, Nebula unlocked herself from chains. She snuck away with stealth hiding in shadows of light. She then kicked open escape hatch and jumped into space.

"NOOOOO!" Screamed Gamora with despair.

"That is right sister! I will die in icy hell of space before being prisoner to you!" Nebula said with vile.

"Shut up I am talking to my daddy!" Squealed Chris Pratt with weasel spite.

Nebula floated through the frigid wasteland of space disappearing like lice in forest of hair. She was speck of nothing is cosmic debris. She felt cold death tickle her skin with fingers. She thought she would die heavy with burden of hate and never knowing true love of man. She fell into sleeping slumber spiraling into dreams of woe and fury. In her dreams Thanos was laughing like madman tormenting pain into the innocent. But then in her dreams awesome figure of power, radiating with orange majesty overwhelmed all. The searing flame of manhood incinerated Thanos with effortless ease, tearing off head with muscular manly hands. He tossed Thanos head into blackhole and spat on it. The figure which was cat and man then turned manly gaze and bore into her mind like fiery lances of lasagna. His eyes were like blazing stars in galaxy of hope. Nebula felt sweat of fear and desire run down her face like coat of slimy goo. Her lady gems exploded like meteor hitting planet of dynamite. She woke trembling with awe. She did not know where she was. She was moving through space seated on custom expensive leather seat. She looked around her and saw she was in Red Corvette driving through space. At driver wheel was the orange figure in her dreams rippling with muscle and manhood. He wore aviator shades and smoked lasagna cigarette. Wind blew though his hair with cool style as he chilled out to Tangerine Dream.

"Garfield?!" Cried out Nebula in shock.

The manly figure of physical justice nodded mighty head.

"Where am I? Where are we going?" Said Nebula with concern.

"You are in safety. I found you in deepness of space floating like balloon in a bath." Said Garfield with masculine stoicism as he puffed lasagna cigarette. "I am taking you to my planet."

"But I have no time! I must kill Thanos!" Nebula said with objection.

"Relax ragamuffins. In my planet you will find knowledge of pleasure. Sit back and let the man drive you to ecstasy." Garfield said to Nebula with universal truth.

Garfield drove on through blackness cutting through space like knife through liquid air. Lights of Red Corvette seared through darkness like torches of enlightenment. Nebula saw wonders of universe like stars and planets. Then over in horizon she saw greatest wonder of all. It was massive glowing orb size of three suns. At closer coming she saw it was great mighty planet filled with fields of green and seas of red.

"What is this?" Asked Nebula with bewilderment.

"I have searched universe for planet to call home but found none to match my majesty, so I have built planet with these two hands." Garfield said with truth.

Garfield nosedived his Red Corvette through atmosphere of planet. He soared over continents and oceans. He flew over continent bigger than Earth and Mars and filled with giant tree with red bark. On branches were cities filled with sexy ladies walking around and dining on fresh lasagna.

"That is Tree of Rebirthing. It is watered with blood of my enemies. Like my fists its thirst for evil blood will never be quenched." Garfield said with explaining. "With death of evil, lovely ladies can frolic with joy and know pleasure of lasagna."

"That is magical." Said Nebula with impressment.

Garfield and Nebula then flew over massive pyramid of skeletons.

"That is the Pyramid of Fools. I have built it from skeletons of boneheads who defy my justice. It is monument to ignorance. Only when Pyramid reaches past end of universe will all ignorance be destroyed." Garfield said with pride.

The great pyramid shone in sunlight beaming with glory. Garfield then flew past more red oceans which boiled with heat and steam. Sweet smell of beauty came from red hot oceans. Then over oceans Garfield came to giant floating island the size of twenty Earths. On floating island was city full of lights and skyscrapers. At city center was mighty palace that shone light like lightbulb on fourth of July.

"What amazement!" Said Nebula with astonishing.

"It is my summer castle. Come and see." Garfield said as he flew down to castle.

In castle island thousands upon millions of spaceships soared from outer space and landed in docks. Out of spaceships sexy ladies came out with disembarking, giggling with joy and excitement.

"Why are all these ladies here on spaceships?" Asked Nebula with wondering.

"Ladies from all over universe come to meet the Supernova of Sexy and the Big Bang of Good Times." Garfield said as he pointed to his pants.

Nebula nodded with understanding as her mind unraveled secret that lay wrapped behind Garfield's man-pants. As her mind wondered her mouth watered.

Garfield landed ship at castle courtyard. In courtyard there was giant hedges shaped like sexy ladies in naughty poses. Naked ladies lounged by shrubs eating lasagna and dressed in bikinis. The road was paved with gold and steel. As they walked they passed large luxury pool shaped like woman's naval. In pool, ladies lay on floats shaped like Garfield. They massaged floats with wanting hands wishing The Man was there for real. As Garfield passed, all the sexy ladies cooed longingly for him, but The Man walked by without beating a sweat.

Garfield and Nebula then passed through great golden doors the size of skyscrapers. Garfield pushed them open like ease like giant pushing feathers. Inside was great hall filled with giant stone statues of naked ladies. On walls hung oil paintings of Garfield loving hot ladies from all of history. In one painting Cleopatra and Catherine the Great were lying on bed of silky sin as Garfield jolted their lady sockets with his man lightning.

"That is realism." Garfield said with art as he pointed to paintings.

Throughout hall fine ladies ate lasagna and drank cocktails at glass tables. They wore shimmering space dresses that were see through. As Garfield passed them they reached longingly for him, but he did not glance a look.

Garfield passed bar and motioned to Bartender Ted with cool point. Bartender Ted gave him the finger guns and threw a lasagna scotch to Garfield who caught it like homerun goalie. Garfield sipped drink like cool cat in chill town. More ladies flocked him wanting sniff of his scent and touch of his muscles, but he did not wink a care. Garfield flicked lasagna cigarette to ground and walked on. Mob of ladies rushed to lasagna cigarette clawing and fighting for its radiance wanting to get taste of the Cosmic Force of Man.

Nebula followed Garfield out of room through doors which were color of night. On other side there was darkness with flashes of strobe lights. Fantasy by Aldo Nova played as ladies in tight black leather danced under spotlights and rubbed themselves with wet lasagna.

"This is Temple of Forbidden Pleasure. In it Fantasy becomes Reality." Garfield explained with guru words.

A foxy mama in pool of lasagna was dancing and wiggling. She saw Garfield and took handful of steaming lasagna fresh as spring and smeared it on firm breasts while licking lips like hungry she-panther. Garfield nodded with approving.

"You must be familiar with forbidden body pleasures." Garfield said to Nebula as they passed under hanging cage with lady dancing and whirling hair and licking lasagna covered bars.

"I do not know these things. I have been captured by Thanos all my life. All I know is scent of battle and taste of murder." Nebula said with sadness.

"Taste of murder is rich but like lasagna it must be chewed with virtue. Killing of evil is righteous but death of innocence is vile like flies making love on rotting meat." Garfield said with the learning of lifetimes.

Nebula followed Garfield through Temple of Forbidden Pleasure seeing sights unseen and thoughts unknown. Her mind and heart were filled with mysteries. Garfield pointed to sexy six-armed eight-legged alien babe. She wore black leather bodysuit and held paddles in all hands. With paddles she spanked naked ladies who laid on beds and screamed in ecstasy, enjoying their spanking pleasure. Garfield gave her thumbs up.

Garfield and Nebula passed through iron gate and entered the Snap room where rhythm was always a dancer. Hot ladies in body suits danced their beats to rhythm as music poured in from boomboxes. They passed through room of cool tunes and hot beats and entered doorway. On other side there was crystal stairway of spiraling. They climbed stairs to pinnacle of heights reaching Garfield's throne room.

Garfield's throne room was filled with glorying might. Light of suns poured through stained glass windows of sexy ladies and lasagna. Flags with coat of arms of fist clenching lasagna flew in breezy wind. Suits of armor with shields of lasagna emblem stood proud. Garfield sat on his throne with majesty of real man and snapped with style. At snapping servant dressed like sexy French maid came with lemonade.

"Please enjoy relaxation." Garfield said with calmness.

"I am sorry Garfield I cannot stay. I must go hunt Thanos." Nebula said with regret.

"Thanos is oversized baby too big for his diaper. He tries to put on big boy pants but they fall off in mockery." Garfield said with dismissal.

"You are wisdom." Nebula said with enlightenment.

A servant than appeared with suddenness. She approached and knelt with respectfulness and spoke.

"I am sorry to be interrupting you Garfield, but we have visitor. It is Thor. He has come from Asgard to challenge your manliness." Servant said with respectfulness.

"What tomfoolery?!" Garfield bombasted with appall.

"It is true. He will not leave until he has faced you in battles and taken title of Ultimate Man." The servant said with apologies.

"So be it. We will meet in Coliseum of Burning Fury. It is needing coat of paint and Asgardian blood is perfect color." Garfield said with judgement.

Garfield went into back chambers to prepare for execution of the fool. Nebula followed servant to Coliseum of Burning Fury where crowd sat in seats waiting for top notch show. They cheered "GARFIELD, GARFIELD" waiting with anticipating for The Hero to arrive. Then with suddenness doors in front opened and Thor entered fighting arena. Crowed booed him and threw tomatoes and bananas and he sulked with frowning.

"Why do you boo me? I am THOR! Great and mighty HERO!" Sobbed Thor with sorrow tears.

Great, golden, gates then opened with booming. Out rode Garfield on Custom Harley Davidson Motorcycle. He wore cool leather jacket and jeans with boots of stepping. His Harley revved like bull in heat as he rode into arena. Crowd screamed in cheering joy and ladies threw flowers and underwear at The Man. Garfield stopped in middle of arena and got off Harley to face the weakling.

"You are newborn toddler who sucks his thumb and dreams it is gold." Garfield said to Thor with contempt.

"Silence Garfield! My father Odin sent me to find real man and challenge to cosmic battle! Only then will I prove worth!" Thor yelled with defiance.

"Your father sent you on errand to Hell. You beg death to dance and spit in fates face. But I will give you greatest gift warrior can give to other, a gilded chariot to hall of the dead." Garfield said with stoic wisdom.

"Enough! Feel wrath of my new MJOLNIR!" Thor screamed as he took out mighty hammer. Thor tossed Mjolnir with great whooshing at Garfield, making it soar like prancing antelope in savannah but Garfield did not flinch a wink. He caught hammer with powerful grip and stared at it with eyes.

"WHAT?! Only worthy can wield MJOLNIR!" Cried out Thor in despair rage.

Garfield scoffed with laughing. He raised up hammer like featherweight pillow and then tossed it in air with meteor power. He then took out his Desert Eagle and aimed at Mjolnir.

"Here is your worthiness." Garfield said with ice cold style as he shot Mjolnir with Desert Eagle making it shatter like explosion of rainbow diamonds.

"NO! How can this be!?" Cried out Thor like milkman crying over cracked egg.

"Your toy hammer is crutch for your spineless body. Without it you quiver like jellyfish in autumn breeze." Garfield said with solemn teaching.

Garfield then approached Thor with swagger of majestic masculinity. Every step quaked with rumbles and stars in galaxies distant exploded in awe. Thor looked up into Garfield's eyes which were blazing infernos and saw the coming and unbecoming of universes. Sweat like frozen daggers rained on face as he saw destiny of truth. He saw himself in Garfield's eyes squealing in terror of cosmos. He then saw himself rebirthed out womb which was serpent's mouth and blood gushed out like ketchup but blood was not blood but lasagna.

"So it is truth." Thor said with enlightenment. Tears filled Thor's eyes like honeydew and poured like hot river of remorse.

Garfield nodded mighty head in silence.

"I know now. I am pathetic worm being baked in rays of manliness." Thor wept with distraught. "Please Garfield end my being with your righteous fury."

"So be it. My steel palm will crush wisdom into your mind." Garfield said as he placed palm on Thor's tiny head. He gripped Thor's very small head effortlessly. His tadpole head was like grape overcome in sea of palm. Garfield crushed head like miniature watermelon making shower of blood and brain spurt like shower mush. Eyes popped out like popcorn and pieces of skull exploded outward. In final moments Thor felt wisdom and peace enter his mind.

Garfield presented bloody wet hands and handmaidens dressed in transparent silk robes came over with rushing and licked Garfield palms with lustful thirst, cleaning his stone palms.

"Lick up pussy cats. My hands are dirty with fool's blood." Garfield said with orders.

Handmaidens licked with slimy tongues, oily and wet like pink eels. Their gooey tongues licked Garfield's hands until all were satisfied. When hands were clean, Garfield took Thor's headless body which was bleeding red waterfalls out of headstump. He motioned to handmaidens who brought stone bowl carved like lasagna pan. He then poured Thor's blood inside. When bowl was full Garfield spoke with commands to his handmaidens.

"Bake blood in Oven of Judgement and then take to Tree of Rebirthing. Let it feed with nourishment on blood." Garfield declared with edicts.

Then out of suddenness there was spark of smoke. A figure appeared from wispy clouds of fog. It was Odin!

"Garfield. I see you have done the deed." Odin said with observation. "It is sad but my son was not real man. He had to fall by your just hands."

Garfield said nothing. Wordless silence came from his closed mouth. His eyes were stoic mountains. He then approached Odin with march. He stared into Odin's eyes and Odin shook like baby trapped in iceberg. Garfield then took out lasagna cigarette and lit it with handgun lighter. He puffed lasagna cigarette and blew smoke in Odin's face who coughed like puppy with asthma. Garfield then took out cigarette from lips and put it out on Odin's bare arm. Odin screamed like seagull giving birth to ostrich and in puff of smoke turned into Loki!

"Garfield how did you know it was me." Loki said with shock.

"Perfumed pig still smells like mud." Garfield said with steel rage.

"It is too late. Thor is dead. I have tricked you! I have won!" Squealed Loki like potbellied pig.

"Pathetic cockroach. My justice can never be tricked by swine. I kill who I want and now I will be killing you." Garfield said with righteousness.

Loki saw rage in Garfield's eyes and mouth and panicked. He fell on knees with despair.

"Garfield, please! Spare my life!" Loki pleaded with begging.

"Relax. I am noble man. My fists spread peace and now they will spread you into pieces." Garfield said with mercy.

Garfield grabbed Loki by his hair which was long like little girl and began dragging him on ground. Loki screamed and screeched like guinea pig ready for the slaughter. Garfield then twirled Loki around his head like cowboy cat twirling wild west lasso.

"Yeehaw. Ride em cowboy." Garfield joked with humor as he twirled Loki. Crowd pointed and laughed at Loki as he screamed like pathetic banshee while he was twirled like pinwheel. When Garfield was tired of the game he raised Loki to the sky.

"Time for my favorite show 'Breaking Back!'" (Timely Joke). Garfield said with timely joke as he brought down Loki on his knee for backbreaker snapping his spine. All in coliseum laughed with hilarity at Garfield's joke. Even Loki laughed with good humor as his spine was snapped like twig. When Garfield was done with comedy he threw Loki to the ground. Loki now lay at center of arena, broken and shattered like expensive vase.

"Time to dispose of the trash." Garfield said with chillness. Garfield went to giant lever with grinning skull at tip. He pulled down lever with the ease of man who pulled levers all his life. At lever pulling, coliseum floor opened down middle like great yawning mouth and in open pit was great black hole. Loki fell into pit and was sucked into spiraling chaos of black hole.

"AHHHH." Cried Loki as he fell into black hole.

"Relax have a light." Garfield quipped with cleverness as he tossed lasagna cigarette into black hole, exploding it into fiery supernova.

"AH. NOOO." Screamed Loki as his flesh and bones burned and melted into incineration from the supernova.

"Next time wear sunscreen." Garfield joked with wit.

After Garfield pulled lever back, closing door to supernova, Nebula ran out onto arena for congratulations.

"Garfield you are amazing!" Nebula said with astonishment as she ran sexy finger along Garfield's massive bicep.

"It was nothing puppy pants. I needed warmup for main event. The next arena will be bedroom, and it will not be short bout but marathon. And I will go into overtime." Garfield said with wink.

"Oh Garfield. I have never known taste of true man. Will you show me ways of romance?" Nebula asked with yearning.

"You know it carrot cake. I will pour milky way into your nebula and you will enjoy every drop." Garfield said with flirtations.

"You know what to say to make lady feel special." Said Nebula with swooning.

Garfield led Nebula up crystal stairway that climbed tower pinnacle. They came to doors of diamond with carvings of ruby eyed tigers clutching lasagna. Through diamond doors they entered Garfield's master bedroom which was size of basketball court and filled with marble statues of naked women. Fertility symbols hung on walls and at back was massive bed shaped like male symbol. Mirror was on ceiling above bed. In center of room on floor was giant symbol of Yin Yang woven in area rug.

"Stay here." Garfield said with romance. Garfield led Nebula to Yin Yang symbol and then went upstairs into balcony room. Nebula waited with anticipation for her lady engine to get maximized. After waiting what seemed like forever hours Garfield appeared from balcony and walked down stairway. He was dressed in black silk pants and black silk sleeveless shirt that clung to manly chest. He strode down like mandrill on the prowl eager for hot taste of sexy space woman.

"Somebody call fire marshal because you are lighting me up." Nebula said with arousal.

"You know it firefly. I am will stoke flame of sex in your oven." Garfield said with seduction.

"Explode my body with your manforce." Nebula begged with swooning.

"Yes, but first thing is first. To dine on delicacy of loving one must set table of mood." Garfield said with suaveness. He snapped fingers. Lights dimmed and Fascination Street by the Cure played from unseen speakers. Then in mystery of magic sexy naked women statues came to life and began approaching Nebula with smooth motions like fish swimming in silk moving with rhythm to the beat. Marble ladies fell upon Nebula with groping hands and licking tongues pleasuring her body. Garfield lounged on black satin couch crossing leg over knee like champ and smoking lasagna cigarette. Nebula moaned as marble minxes massaged her body with biting teeth and wrapped around her with legs. At center of Garfield's bedroom was twisting, knotting mass of bodies writhing in sweaty sex.

"Time to dive in lake of love." Garfield said as he approached mass of woman bodies which were wet and tangled like seaweed. Sexy marble ladies separated allowing Garfield view of star of the show. Nebula gasped with breathing.

"Garfield will you not come and enter my vortex. I have waited so long for love of man." Nebula said with longing.

"You got it puss boots. You have felt the Yin and now you will feel the Yang." Garfield said with liquid sexuality. The Yin Yang symbol on ground began to glow with green color of passion. Garfield then jumped into pleasure pile ready to bring jackhammer of joy into Nebula's pleasure pit.

"Time to feel power of my infinity gems." Garfield said as he unhooked golden tiger buckle on silk pants. Garfield launched his lust dragon at Nebula who embraced it with her firm thighs. Garfield rode Nebula like a cosmic tyrannosaur galloping fields of milky stars. He surged the force of his manliness into her body pouring power of cosmic creation into her vessel of womanhood.

To be continued…

Author's note: If Marvel is reading this please put Garfield in Avengers and Guardians of Galaxy. You have permission to use my stories for inspiration.


End file.
